The Prisoner of Hogwarts
by SqornshellousZeta
Summary: This is a story... (Duh) Ahem. This is a story about Remus Lupin when he returns to Hogwarts as a teacher! Between him, Rufus the talking stag head and the murderer Sirius who is out to kill Harry, it will be an interesting year for Hogwarts.
1. Stag heads

Everything belongs to someone else and not me! Have fun reading. Happy summer break. If you like the story then please review! It will be much appreciated! This will be the shortest chapter. Chapter 1...  
  
_September 2nd 1993  
  
Today I start my first day as defense against the dark arts teacher. Right now it is two in the morning and I am sitting in the headmasters office with Sniv-ahem Professor Severus Snape, Flitwick, Hagrid and McGonagall. Why am I in the headmaster's office at two in the morning? It seems that there was a miner problem when Hagrid, keeper of keys and magical creatures teacher tried to sneak an occamy inside the Hogwarts castle. It took six teachers and Dumbledore to force the fifteen-foot tall creature into a cage in the forbidden forest. Just a random thought: What are these keys Hagrid keeps? Now back to the main subject; we are suffering miner injuries. I am seriously trying not to think of what this year will bring...  
_  
Remus Lupin put his journal back into his pocket and looked at the five teachers sitting around him. They were to sit here and wait for the control of magical creatures office to take the occamy away. Snape was playing with a wizard gameboy he had confiscated from a fifth year Ravenclaw; he would later blame the fact that he was high on caffeine when a fellow teacher teased him. McGonagall was staring at a small rip in the wallpaper on the wall. Flitwick, Hogwarts's only optimist was sipping chocolate milk through a straw and dangling his feet from the chair he was sitting on. Hagrid was extremely sulky about the fact that he had to say farewell to his occamy. Remus was drifting off into an uncomfortable sleep when something caught his eye and almost gave him a heart attack. He started to hyperventilate and pulled his journal back out.  
  
_I can't believe this! These people who are in charge of the education of hundreds of wizard children are murders! On the wall in headmaster Albus Dumbledore's office is a stag head! This is revolting and nauseating! This would make James roll in his grave. The legendary Gryffindor hero is a deer murder. Dumbledore will not get away with this...  
_  
McGonagall looked at her former student who was scribbling in a small book. He had a slightly psychotic look of someone who had stayed up way too late. He looked up at McGonagall and saw his old teacher looking at him with concern.  
  
_ McGonagall is out to get me too! I'm sure of it. Pretty soon she will have all four marauder heads on that wall... Hogwarts should consider hiring a psychiatrist. Ok. Calm down. Don't look at the stag head! Oh look...a muggle Lego magazine on the ground. Snape must have confiscated this... 2004? The Prisoner of Azkaban? AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!_  
  
Snape's gameboy beeped on the level seven theme music, which took all the teacher's attentions off Lupin who once again was hyperventilating. McGonagall gave Snape a piercing, evil glare; Flitwick continued to drink his chocolate milk and Hagrid started to write a poem for his beloved occamy, which included 'McGonagall is an evil witch', 'Dumbledore will meet his doom' and other disturbing sentences.  
  
_ This is extremely dull. I just took a look at Hagrid's poem. I probably should warn McGonagall and Dumbledore about Hagrid's anger towards them, then again they are evil stag haters. Don't want to think of what I just saw in that muggle magazine. Interchangeable wolf head? Don't think about it... I think I just saw that stag head move... Great now I'm hallucinating. I should go into writing horror stories... Hallelujah! The ministry is here! Now I'm off to a well-deserved sleep.  
_  
Remus stayed a few minutes to discuss the occamy problem and then, with one last look at the stag head, left to go to his room.  
  
To be continued... 


	2. Coffee

Yes I know...this chapter was short too. Have fun reading though. Please review! Oh yes... The reason Remus is slightly insane is because his lack of sleep.  
  
I own nothing.  
  
_September 2nd 1993  
  
It's five in the morning. Couldn't get to sleep. Need sleep. What's that beeping? It's not time to get up! Need sleep desperately. No. I need to get up. It's my fist class in four hours. No more sheep. Can't count sheep any more. Keep having disturbing images of them turning into lamb chops. Need...get...up.  
_  
Within two minutes of getting his journal out, Remus Lupin was fast asleep, alarm beeping and all. Two hours later, he awoke tired, grouchy and with a head ache. He grabbed his clock, which was still beeping and checked it.  
  
_IT'S SEVEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! Must get down stairs. No time to waste._  
  
Remus scrambled out of bed to get ready for a day that already promised to be a long one. Down stairs the teachers where sitting at the big peoples table and were discussing the classes that would start in an hour. Most of the students had already finished their breakfasts and were taking a back to school tour of the school. All the occupants of the big peoples table heads snapped to the doorway as the schools newest teacher tripped on the bottom stair of the staircase he was running down and with one bag swinging dangerously from his hand, fell flat on the floor. Hagrid picked him up by his collar and set him on his feet while swinging a dead polecat from the other hand. He came across considerably perky for someone who had only two hours of sleep. Remus slightly swayed as the giant let go of him. He slowly dragged his feet to the large table and slumped down into his seat. He grabbed the goblet in front of him with a shaky hand and took a sip. It wasn't pumpkin juice. He gagged and coughed as the teachers watched with amused expressions.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
"Coffee!" Flitwick answered. "It's essential that Hogwarts teachers drink it." The midget teacher pretty much pulled himself onto the table to reach the sugar and then added what seemed like a cup to his coffee. Hagrid and the few remaining students left. Remus pulled his journal out and began to write in it again.  
  
_ I think this is a trick that they play on all the new teachers. Maybe it's poisonous... Dumbledore the stag hater would be behind it for sure. Though all the other teachers don't have a problem drinking it. Perhaps I should add sugar to this so-called coffee...  
_  
Remus took another sip of the so accused 'poison' and added a spoon of sugar in it. This was repeated thirteen more times in the next five minutes until the coffee reached the average consistency of syrup. After draining the coffee/sugar he felt a strange energy burst. Never had he felt so energetic and excited. The three remaining teachers (McGonagall, Snape and Flitwick) exchanged frightened glances as Remus sprang from his chair and sprinted out of the great hall.  
  
_Wowwwww... I love this coffee! Need more coffee! Coffee, coffee, coffee..._  
  
And so it went on until the third hundred coffee was written. It was five minutes later and an hour till his first class started when the usually calm and bookwormish teacher found himself skipping down a deserted corridor. Behind him and tailing him were Snape and Flitwick. McGonagall sent them to make them to make sure that the caffeine high werewolf wouldn't hurt himself. Remus skidded into an abrupt halt. He looked behind him to see Snape and Flitwick whistling innocently. Pulling out his journal, he began writing while skipping.  
  
_ Snape and Flitwick are trailing me. McGonagall must have sent them. They're murders! They want my head on that wall too. Sirius had house elf heads on his wall. James had gone to his house once and came back telling stories of how he charmed the heads to laugh when Mr. Black walked by...  
_  
While writing in the small book, Remus failed to notice the wall coming closer and closer. WHAM! Snape rolled his eyes as they approached the unconscious defense against the dark arts teacher. He checked his watch. Twenty minutes till his class started. Snape conjured a stretcher and they pulled Lupin onto it.  
  
"Well, Flitwick squeaked, "At least he got some sleep!"


	3. Animagi Fears

Yep! Another chapter. Hope you enjoy it!!! If you like the story then review or the evil stag head whose name is yet to be revealed will follow you...  
  
_September 3rd 1993  
  
I've been banned from all coffee privileges from this day forward. By the time I was calmed down enough to teach I only had one class left for the day. It was the fifth year gryffindors. That is how I met the Weasley twins.  
  
They're out to get me too.  
  
I heard before my classes today that Hagrid's hippogriff had gotten out of control and attacked a third year slytherin. Sounds fishy.  
_  
Remus Lupin sat in front of the staff room fire on an overstuffed armchair, much like the ones in the gryffindor common room. After what seemed like hours of an extremely busy morning, it was five in the afternoon and a time of peace. Beside Lupin and sitting on the floor was Flitwick who was working on a puzzle. McGonagall, who was sitting on another overstuffed chair, was reading a large, dull looking book. Favian Vector, who had the smallest classes, but seemed to do more then any of the other teachers, was sprawled out on the couch and snoring. Lastly, Snape sat at the back of the room and stared evilly at everyone.  
  
_I need something to do..._  
  
Deciding to take a walk, the new defense against the dark arts teacher left the teachers lounge and headed towards the great hall. Things seemed peaceful and quiet. Much too peaceful and quiet for a Friday afternoon. The weather outside was still rainy and damp, which meant that students should be running around the school, crackling and screaming like Peeves. Something was wrong.  
  
_The school is quiet. It seems deserted. Something is very wrong. It's like that horror movie, The Prisoner of Hogwarts. Just thinking of that movie gives me the shivers. The villain turned out to be the evil talking stag head on the wall if I can remember right...  
_  
Suddenly Remus's heart turned to ice. He froze and his eyes grew wide.  
  
_Evil...talking...stag...head._  
  
"Hello."  
  
Slowly Remus turned around to see a stag head on the wall looking down at him. He let out a yell and tried to run, but his feet staid, as if glued to the ground.  
  
"Do you know how incredibly rude it is to yell in somebody's face? Though I really can't count as somebody, since I don't even have a body... You must be the new defense against the dark arts teacher! Pleased to meet you. If you were heading to the great hall, you took a wrong turn. Nobody come down this hall anymore."  
  
"Who-who are you?" Remus asked, still frightened.  
  
"A. Stag. Head. Duh. You saw me in the Headmasters office yesterday. I've been here since the founders. I used to settle their fights, but when they died people just started ignoring me so I pretended to be inanimate and picked up some very interesting dirt on students." Remus nodded. Perhaps the head was not evil after all...  
  
"Can you move around the castle?" Remus asked conversationally.  
  
"Yes. I know all the students' current problems and secrets! I even know the headmasters secret crush! Of course, my favorite students to follow were you marauders. I could always count on you four to know all the stuff about everyone that I didn't know," the stag head grinned evilly at the fond memories.  
  
"You knew all of our secrets?" Remus began to grow worried. If the deer knew that his friends were animagi and that Remus knew exactly how Sirius could be entering the school, then he could get into a lot of trouble.  
  
"Oooh yeah! Did you know that Peter enjoyed picking his nose when nobody was looking? Or that Sirius had teddy bear? Or that James had a crush on Lily since his first year?..." Remus let out a sigh of relief, all the dumb deer knew about was the pointless stuff students knew or did.  
  
"...Oh and I also knew all that about the animagi and werewolf thing."  
  
To be contenued... 


	4. Staff Meetings

Reviewers rock. Thank you so much for reviewing! The next chapter will be the game... You'll see what I mean when you finish this chapter.  
  
I solemnly swear that I do not own a thing that has to do with the wonderful Harry Potter books.  
  
----  
  
_September 3rd 1973_  
  
All was quiet. Not one sound wave vibrated off the eardrum of anyone in the teachers' lounge. Every few years suggestions would come up and they would quickly would be turned down, yet some somehow managed to survive. Today headmaster Albus Dumbledore suggested installing a giant clock on one of the towers and the poor teachers sitting around him started to believe that the old headmaster finally cracked.  
  
Remus Lupin silently sat at the end of the table and scribbled notes about the headmaster's insanity. He had been silent since the traumatic day before, when he spent a whole two hours listening to the loud mouthed deer talk about the pointless lives of students. He came to the conclusion that the stag hardly ever talked to anybody and wouldn't likely tell anyone of the animangi. Suddenly he became aware every teacher looking at him. He lowered his wizard earphones (he was listening to swing music, that only he could hear thanks to the charm placed upon the CD player) and smiled innocently.  
  
"Now as I said before, you and Severus will need to make sure the ministry comes with Dumbledore's clock on time and everything goes smoothly," McGonagall said slowly and clearly, wagging her finger in the faces of the potions master and the defense against the dark arts teacher. They nodded, both too scared to argue with McGonagall.  
  
_So this is what teachers do on Saturdays. I thought they would do something fun. Then again I can't see Dumbledore installing cable or Flitwick and Victor eating popcorn and other messy foods while watching the game...  
_  
"Lupin have you been listening to a thing I've said?" Remus looked up to see McGonagall giving him the most frightening of stares. He shoved the journal back in his pocket and smiled innocently. "Good. The clock will be arriving Sunday morning..." She stopped as she noticed that the teachers where looking around, as if trying to remember something they had forgotten. "Sunday is tomorrow."  
  
"Of course I remembered that!" Snape sneered; trying to hide the fact that he thought tomorrow was Wednesday. McGonagall rolled her eyes. Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly, getting everybody's attention.  
  
"I also have some other news that will need to be dealt with. A small group of dementors who have been stationed at the north end of the school sent a note yesterday that they had in fact, formed a strike and want a raise. As the ministry ignored this note, a dementor by the name of Yolanda has taken one of the students captive. Do not panic for the boy they took is still alive and is a Slytherin by the name of Gregory Goyle. We will be sending in a large check so that they might hopefully return our student." Dumbledore frowned as he noticed that none of the teachers seemed to care about the fate of Gregory Goyle. Remus had his headphones back on and was playing hangman with Flitwick on his journal; Snape was drawing a picture of a snake and smiling fondly at it, McGonagall was painting her nails, Binns was shuffling through history essays and Vector was grading homework. "I'm through with all the news." All the teachers perked up, except for Remus and Flitwick who were arguing over the rules of the game.  
  
"Spontaneous combustion can not be your word! It's two words!"  
  
"Yes it can! The rules are that you can in fact have more then one word."  
  
"You didn't say that at the beginning though!"  
  
"Yeah well, this is my journal!"  
  
"That's cheating! Cheater!"  
  
"Sore loser!"  
  
"Jerk!"  
  
"Midget!" Dumbledore began hitting his head against his desk. McGonagall, who sensed that if she did not interfere then the fight would go on till dinner, calmly stood up and tapped her wand against the table.  
  
"Who wants to play Hogwarts monopoly!" she said in a perky voice she never used around the students.  
  
"Sure, but I get to be Draco," Snape said in a low, frightening voice.  
  
"Why do you always get to be Draco?" asked one of the lesser-known female teachers who doesn't even have a name.  
  
"Because I don't want to be stuck with Potter or a Weasley like the last times we played Hogwarts monopoly," Snape answered. McGonagall yet again rolled her eyes as she unfolded a large beautiful monopoly bored. Every square represented a room in the castle. In the middle of the bored thousands of little letters swirled around so that when somebody landed on a chance square, the letters would form a sentence and tell them what to do. The pieces were Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Fred Weasley, George Weasley, Neville Longbottom and for some strange reason, Moaning Myrtle. The pieces were quickly chosen. Remus picked Harry, Dumbledore picked Neville, McGonagall picked Hermione, Flitwick picked Ginny, Vector picked George, Binns picked Fred, and the lesser-known teacher squealed in delight as she picked Ron.  
  
Little did Remus know what he had gotten himself into.  
  
The little medal pieces walked over to the GO square and sat down, waiting for the little golden Hogwarts monopoly special edition dice to be rolled. The miniature silver Draco began to grow impatient while waiting for the Hogwarts teachers to make out who was going to go first. He lifted his miniature silver wand and poked the miniature Ron on the back of his silvery head. Ron and the miniature silver Harry spun around to face their foe. 


End file.
